Monday, October 3, 2011
I remember being so resentful to hearing my parents say "because I'm the boss, because I said so, or because you are the kid, I don't have to tell you..."
I remember telling my husband when the kids were born, two things, "I will never count at my children and I will never just say, "because I said so" when they want to know why. Looking back on those vows, I have to chuckle, because there is no way and inexperienced, young, new mother knows how or what to do with or for her children at the beginning of their lives, I had put such boundaries on how I was going to raise these young children. It is so unrealistic. I remember my mother and my mother-in-law hearing me making those vows and laughing between the two of them, and me saying in my head, "you just wait, I will show you."
The very first time I said, "Now come here... ONE, TWO..." I stopped in my tracks and cringed. I realized that I had broken my vow. I just sank down deep; I cried and said, “I am becoming our parents!” Laughter just filled my body, you know, not the little chuckle, not the laugh just from your throat. That full body laugh, falling on the floor, and laugh until you cry kind of laugh.
I remember my son just looking at me, trying to figure out this strange emotion that had come over my face, he couldn't figure out if he was still in trouble, or if mommy had done something wrong... I felt so bad that I had just lost all concentration on the situation and just sat hugging him, laughing and crying and telling him, that mommies are not always perfect either, sometimes we just don't always know what to do either, so we have to laugh at ourselves and figure out the next step in the plan.
You see, I realized that as parent I had to spend so much time protecting my children when they were small, figuring out to make a way for them, and was enjoying them at their small, innocent age, that sometimes rules are not thought out ahead of time, there are too many to think of when they are small, too many situations that I couldn't make up every rule the day they were born, to know how to handle every situation they were going to face from infant to adult. I realized that my parents couldn't do that either, that no one can. I see how rules get made up as I go, not all rules, but many situations could not be thought of ahead of time, and as a parent I have to figure out where I stand, what I believe and how God would want me to handle an issue, then with God's wisdom and help, I can create a set of rules for the home for all children to obey, for me to stand for, and for others to know I am following a path that God would have me and my family follow.
Now, as a Child of God, I realize that God in all His grace and mercy has always walked along side of me, has always shown me what is best for me, and how I am to raise my children. I don't always like the outcome of my prayer, because I want to give my child everything that will make them "happy" but I also know, that I am teaching my children not to base their lives on happiness and other feelings that can be betrayed, but that I have to teach my children how to find REAL JOY, the Joy that comes from God. He shows and helps me through all things, and God is the source of that joy and peace, and when I am obedient and following after Him, I can have those things for myself, and my children can have them too.